Wednesday, 15 July 2020

Timing is everything.

I had made it. New Scotland, New Natalie.

But in the wake of my life-changing experience and after the advice of more than a few people I had met on my travels, I started talking with myself about the idea that there might, maybe, possibly be something wrong.

My actions, emotions, visions, voices, all of the above, were not 'normal'.

In fact, I couldn't tell you another person that had had a similar experience. At least at that point.

And then the phone rang.

'Hi, this is Andrew from Vancouver Island Mental Health'.

That phonecall moved the idea of 'there might, maybe, possibly be something wrong', to 'there definitely is something alarming going on here'.

At the time I continued on my 'I'm fine' path, not wanting to be a burden on anyone else.

Plus, I couldn't be crazy, God had told me I wasn't. After all, I was an angel.

By then I had commenced the journey back to the island. I met up with some friends along the way and everything did seem somewhat 'fine'.

Within a few weeks of being back in Victoria, I evaluated the last. . well, in all honesty, I thought over the last 14 years, but I paid specific attention to the past 6 months.

I needed help. 100%, I needed help.

I called Andrew, who promptly made an appointment with Vancouver Island mental health services.

And the rest is recovery baby!!

Love xo

Tuesday, 7 July 2020

And sometimes there are life changing moments.

That 'trip' lasted a full 3 months.

3 months in complete psychosis and on the road.

3 amazingly terrifying months.

I'm not going to share all the details of my trip as some of the encounters I will hold dear to my own memories. . .

But I can tell you something. The day I crossed the border into Nova Scotia, tears flooded my eyes and within seconds, the rain broke the 23-degree sunshine and flooded from the heavens.

Whether it was meaningful in any way to anyone else does not matter, because it will be eternally meaningful to me.

I had made it.

I had come through all the obstacles, I let the voices guide me to here, to a new version of me. I had now completely walked away from my grief and pain and was ready to run at life with everything I had.

As I watched the rainbow form overhead, I kissed my dog and I swear to god she spoke to me. She told me it was ok, things were going to be ok from here on out. We had each other, we had this and we were finally going to be happy.

I just can't even describe the feelings, pure raw emotions that were pumping through my veins in that very moment. At that moment I had never felt so alive and for the first time since I was 11 years old, I told myself that suicide was not ever going to be the answer. That no matter what came my way, I would stand strong and overcome it.

Right then and there I knew it could be a wonderful life.

Love xo

Sunday, 24 May 2020

Just cruising by.

Mum came to visit in the summer of 2014, only a month or two after I had quit my job.

I was still extremely stressed out and felt like I had been pushed to the edge.

We planned a cruise to Alaska which was just wonderful but I was hiding something quite big.

I had started hearing voices, louder than they had ever been before. Sometimes I would see things in the corner of my eye and when I looked again, they were gone. My moods at this point had become that much of a rollercoaster that I couldn't really tell the difference between up or down. Something I now know to be rapid cycling.

During the cruise to Alaska, I made a decision to fall back on my old coping mechanisms. To pack up and hit the road once more. Part of it was the only thing I knew, but a big part of it was the voices.

The voices were telling me that I had to make a pilgrimage. That in order to sustain the new life I had found (pre recent work stress that is!), I had to travel to Nova Scotia - New Scotland, to find 'New Natalie'.

I declared my road trip plans to mum, who, knowing my love for adventure, helped me pack up my apartment and move into my car.

I never once considered taking a road map. I never once tried to plan ahead. Somewhere, somehow, I knew that the universe had my back. That I would end up where I was supposed to be.

And off I went. Me, my car and my dog. Making our way across Canada, where the road ahead was filled with meaningful signs.

As per usual, at this point, there were days filled with hysterical laughter and days filled with hysterical tears. I actually have videos from the car somewhere but I am too nervous to watch them, as I know they depict the highest of highs and lowest of lows I had ever encountered.

Love xo