Ok, so below is a post I started writing last week, when everything got on top of me. . .
” I'm trying so hard to keep it together.
It's not going as well as I'd hoped.
There have been lots of tears today. . .
I had a session with my therapist but I couldn't find the clarity to talk about my concerns rationally, it was just lots of defeatest attitude and crying.
We're all in this together, and watching people unite in hope is so inspiring.
BUT, then there's my little head. . .
I feel so bad that people are hurting right now. I mean, I have a mental illness, I'm all too versed in pain and turmoil, but I would never wish it upon anyone. I hate the idea that everyone around the world is scared, is overwhelmed, is anxious. I'm no martyr but for some reason, it hurts me more to know so many people are also in pain. I don't want all these innocent, unknowing people feeling the unease of a panic attack, I don't want people being so absurdly filled with fear that they can't move, can't think. I don't want people to become so desperate that they question the entirety of their being or even worse, wonder why or what they are doing here to the extent of self-harm or suicidal ideas.
THIS CANNOT HAPPEN. IT CAN'T.
I'm so overwhelmed. . . .”
So, YEAH! That was last week HA
Fuck sake, how does it just spiral like that?
I was going to delete it, but I wanted you to see the path my head takes any time there’s a hint of despair.
I increased my meds and made some lifestyle adjustments, mainly drafting a routine and small, achievable goals.
I took some time to clear my head and then again to think some more, this time with a bit more perspective.
We’re all in this together. We have to stand strong.
This is NOT the time to relapse. Things have been going so well up until this point & I’m not going to let my mental health deteriorate. I KNOW that I possess the education, tools & strategies to stay out of the psych ward.
I got this.
I’m feeling a lot better. I hope you are doing well also.