You were almost reading a post that screamed 'out of control', but I held my tongue.
Things aren't going great, I have to be honest.
Since that god awful exam day last week, I have been in an intensely depressive state. So much so, I took my ass to the psychiatric emergency services.
It seems that things can spiral out of control, no matter how much of a grasp I think I have.
It began with the cab ride home from that exam, I held onto the door handle, with blinding visions of opening the door and rolling into oncoming traffic.
The visions got worse over the course of a few days.
My sleep has increased from an average of 8 hours per night, to a high of 14-16 hours. My appetite has changed drastically, although instead of starving myself, which happens on the reg, I have been overeating. I cry at the drop of a hat. I continue to have more panic attacks and anxiety than normal. My concentration is shot to shit and myself esteem at an all time low.
Strange thoughts pop into my head and I show even stranger behaviours; flipping a coin to decide if I should move back to Scotland and sleeping in my closet.
Talking to my psychotherapist on Friday, it was clear that I was in the danger zone of my own crisis plan without even realising it.
Looking over my charts it was noticeable that this mood had continued for a full week, very out of character for me, at least of late.
That's when I took some control back and made my way to the hospital.
Talking things out with the professionals really put things into perspective. I had taken on too much. Alongside medication changes and symptoms of my illness, there were just too many life stressors impacting my state of well being.
What's so sad is that I can't remember a time when it wasn't like this. A time were I didn't, at some point, go off the deep end.
I know I said I was doing really well, and I am. When I'm stable. Every few weeks however, this depression rears its ugly head and brings me to my knees. This being the worst in while. Thankfully, for the first time ever, I'm able to keep some clarity enough to make arrangements and help myself.
Really but, can I just not feel like this every couple of weeks. Thanks.
It's time to take a back seat until I can return to that level playing field I so often crave. Which sadly means taking some time off school.
I can only hope that this dark cloud dissipates soon.