Wednesday, 16 January 2019

A Jobs Worth.

I've been trying to weed out stressors in my life for quite some time now. It is crucial to my recovery and stability that I am not over stressed, especially by the little things.

I was beginning to realize that there was one major stress factor in my life, and I have been cowering to tackle it.

My job.

I was not happy, not challenged and certainly not engaged.

I didn't know where to turn. I have been in the same industry, and a similar role for the past 15 years. I didn't even know how to change it.

Where do I start? What's gonna be flexible and understanding of my illness? Do I have the time to change my career prospects? Do I even have the energy for all of this?

I thought about bookkeeping. It has always been a go to of mine and something I usually fell back into throughout my career, but I also didn't want to walk away from something I'd stuck at for so long.

After mulling over my situation for a couple of years, and with things not so peachy at school, I thought what better time than now to make a drastic change.

Looking through job ads was daunting. Nothing jumped out at me. I whittled it down to 3 positions; 2 of which were bookkeeping for hospitality and the 3rd was a total shot in the dark; front desk at a local gym.

I didn't think too much of it and submitted my applications.

Within 30 mins I had en email back from the gym requesting an interview, and within the following 24 hours I had heard back from the other 2 positions. One was sadly already filled and the other also arranged for an interview.

Bear in mind I hadn't been to an interview in quite some time. The last of which, I was just coming back from a major psychotic episode.

Bright and early the next morning (8 AM to be precise), I went to meet with the manager of Innovative Fitness. I could not believe what was outside my world of hospitality. Within the first 10 minutes it was crystal clear that this team were built and motivated by team work and collective inspiration.

I went on the other interview on the same day and was over the moon to be offered both positions, but I couldn't shake the feeling I got from the gym.

After a second meeting with the principal, it was decided that I would start training the following day.

Since then, I have been waking up at 7am, running the front office, drinking my tea AND now, training with a personal trainer. What a perk! My own PT. This change is going to do wonders for my mental health, I just know it. So far I'm eating 3 healthy meals a day, sleeping better and drinking less.

Our staff meetings are made up of goal setting - staff and clients alike work together to push boundaries and challenge each other.

What's more, is that within the next couple of months I will be further utilizing my skill set by taking over bookkeeping duties.

The bottom line here is that, for the longest time and because of this illness, I thought I wasn't capable of trying something new. I thought I wasn't capable of reaching out to the unknown. I thought I wasn't capable of the challenge. .  and that's my story. .


And in the end, what do you have to lose?

I didn't disclose my situation to the team, but I am willing to bet that not only will they be supportive when I do, but they will work with me to achieve a better level of stability and health.

GAWD, I'm buzzing.

Love xo

Thursday, 3 January 2019

2019 - I'm coming for ye!

Hello old friends,

Why, it has been too long. I do apologize. I have been so wrapped up in life lately that free time has been allocated to sleeping only haha

Med wise, things have been ultra stable. Taking the lithium out of my diet has been one of the best things we could have done. I tried the PTSD meds for a few weeks but I didn't see much of a difference if I'm being honest. My next step in combating the fear and nightmares is going back to weekly sessions with my psychotherapist. I have also been introduced to a course called CBT for insomnia, which I aim to dabble in by the end of January.

All in all, this bipolar thing is STILL pretty under control. 2 whole years and no trips to the psych ward, no severe episodes - I couldn't ask to be in a better position than right now!

And then the new year comes along, wagging its funny little tail hehe. . .

This years goals you ask?

Well. .  considering I haven't set myself any goals in almost TWO FREAKING YEARS. . its about time to start making some moves. If you click on that link you can see some of the goals and ideas I had in 2017. I had only been feeling better and balanced for a few months and I was ready to take on, well, life I guess. After setting said goals I spent most of my time enjoying myself and not necessarily working towards anything. I traveled, I laughed, I met new people, I made money, I spent money, but overall I managed to live my life. Something that I thought was long gone during the depths of my bipolar. The fun has to . . not stop. .  but be contained. I want to balance my lifestyle; having fun whilst achieving goals.

So lets run at it again shall we:

Self Care:
  • Biweekly psychotherapy appointments
  • Three monthly psychiatrist appointment
  • CBT for insomnia
  • Regular sleep/ wake schedule
  • Healthy diet
  • Regular exercise
  • Relaxation; walk, massage, night on the sofa, hot tub etc
Education & Work
  • Continue with front office administrator & bookkeeping Job
  • Continue writing & submit regularly to competitions & publications
  • Continue with spray tanning business & boost promotions
  • Explore business admin or business management course
  • Read one new book per month
  • Write one new post per month
  • Travel to a new destination annually
  • Socialize, Socialize, Socialize
  • Create something

So, really, these goals are pretty similar to the last ones. Uuuuft. But I tell you, I'm closer this time.

The most recent change in my life has been going back to, and developing my career. Unfortunately this meant giving up my studies. Primarily I lost attendance marks in my writing classes, whilst gaining A's & B's on papers. It meant that the average grade was lowered and it didn't fill me with motivation to continue. Because of this, I have decided to pursue writing at my own leisure. After all, there are a plethora of publications and competitions just waiting on a wee demented Scottish lassie to say her piece haha

My new job has filled me with confidence and promotes an all around healthy lifestyle with regular sleep/wake routine, nutrition and fitness. YES, I do work with a bunch of personal trainers and I bloody love it! It keeps me in my all too familiar area of Front Desk but branches me out into a different industry and within the next 6 months will also allow me to utilize my bookkeeping skills. My hope is to intertwine my career with a business management course, perhaps something online would work best around my busy schedule and that way I wont lose out in attendance marks.

Launching my own small business a few months ago has been a thrill in itself, it's still a small poke of chips at this point but its slowly growing. I have had some delighted clients and wonderful reviews. I can only hope to keep people glowing all year round - but time it shall take.

In other news. . (**remembers a distant me saying I was going to put myself out there). Well I gone and did it, didn't I? I put myself out there. With less than high expectations to be fair, but nonetheless I have wound up meeting a wonderful man. We just celebrated our first Christmas and New Year together and I could not be happier. <3

You can't knock this smile 2019 - LET'S GO!

I hope your new year has started off well. If 2018 was a shite one for you, it really can only get better from here right?

Love xo

Saturday, 10 November 2018

Hello there beautiful!


Things have been going quite well since we last spoke. My Pdoc and I decided it was time to cut the lithium completely. It took an adjustment period, but I have now settled back into it and feel much better. No longer do I shake or vomit - hurrah!

On the flip side, I have been so busy with school, 2 jobs and launching a small business that I am running around playing catch up, especially with my sleep. Given the season change, a mood change was also bound to come. It seems that seasonal affective disorder is closely linked with bipolar patients, kinda makes sense. Some days I'm waking up at 4am, others I'm not falling asleep till 4am and finding myself sleeping till late in the afternoon.

Now that we have the bipolar under control and safely managed (almost 2 freaking awesome years without a major episode), its come to light that I might still be dealing with a past trauma. We have come to this conclusion mostly because of the nightmares, but also just that it plays on my head from time to time and gives me an uneasy feeling. To combat this, we have decided to try out a PTSD medication.  The medication is called Prazosin. I've done some research and from what I can see there as much less severe side effects than some of the other meds I have tried. We're going to give it a bash starting December time, so expect a report back. Now that I'm on a lesser cocktail and intensity of meds it feels safe enough to try something else out. The nightmares and terrors are just too much.

I hope you are keeping well. If you have any feedback on Prazosin, please let me know. I'd really appreciate it.

Love xo

Thursday, 13 September 2018

This one's for you. .

So I wrote this poem around 6 years ago and it just popped back into my mind after an inspirational day of classes. I've never shared my poetry with anyone in my whole life, so go easy on me haha. . .

I think she's an angel, the best of a dream
A life so selfless, she is pure, she is clean

There was never an obstacle, no step too tall
The ups and the downs, she handled them all

With love in her stride and pride in her heart
She put me together, with all the best parts

For that, I live indebted to her
My hero, my muse, my voice from above

Love you Mumma bear xo

Thursday, 30 August 2018

What did I do?

It's all bloody swings and roundabouts isn't it?

One minute I'm grand, the next minute there's a change in the winds.

Looking back, it was probably not the best idea to change my meds during such a long, and somewhat tiring trip. It was probably not the best idea for me to further that change. Actually, it was not at all.

I started going up again, and then up some more, and then of course comes the crash.

I'm going to start by admitting that I'm not 'depressed', as I've known it in the past. I'm not rushing to the worst thought or feeling bad about myself. What I am is super exhausted, lethargic, tired, pooped, whatever you want to call it.

Over the course of a week, I threw up 3 times.

Now, there could be a fair reason for this. When I tapered off my lithium, and then soon realized that it wasn't working for me, I started taking the lithium again. Maybe the change of salts in my system made for the sickness? Also, lithium gives me the dry heaves in the first place, so it could be that.

I dunno.

Lithium daydreams maybe, lithium nightmares?


Hope you are well!

Love xo

Friday, 10 August 2018

Changing meds

Sooooo. Things are looking up.

I have always felt that I was on too much medication, come on, you saw the script. . .

Recently my psychiatrist and I have decided it best that I cut down my lithium intake. We came down 300mg, leaving me at 900mg.

Happy Days!!

I started to feel like I had more energy. Not hypomanic, just not droned out, you know? In terms of side effects, my shakes have gotten less intense, I haven't been dry gagging as much. I feel genuinely better for it.

So I was a cheeky wee rascal and came down another little bit. So far so good.  I happen to meet with Mr Psych in a few weeks, so we will be able to tell by then if its a good or bad result.

Oh well.

I just came back from an amazing trip with my family in Florida. I really needed the break, work(s) had gotten too stressful and I could feel my mood slipping. . . Ugh. But a wee bit of R&R, family love and Disney magic sorted that right out. I'll pop some photos up soon!

I hope you are doing well. I do aim to write some more soon, I promise.

Love xo

Wednesday, 6 June 2018

Please help Sandy the Chiweenie

Sandy the Chiweenie is the sunshine in my life. A little doggo that just keeps giving. Sadly, she has had to undergo some serious dental surgery, leaving her 17 teeth less. The vet said she done great, and we are all anticipating a speedy recovery. Unfortunately however, I am struggling to pay the vet bill in full, and because of this I have set up a GoFundMe page.

I hate to ask for help or bother anyone, but a dollar, a pound, a well wish or positive thought would be greatly appreciated. <3

You can donate to Sandy's cause by clicking here.

Thank you so much

Love xo