It has been a while. . .
I think a wee update is in order, don't you?
Things have been pretty up and down since I last checked in on my 'Rabbit Holes' post.
It didn't make sense for me to continue working full time, and unfortunately, it was not feasible to work part-time in my existing role. For the good of the company, I decided to hand in my notice and let them find someone who could be more reliable long term.
I'm not sure when these episodes are going to kick in but I definitely should not be exacerbating the symptoms with unnecessary stress.
I felt so bad about leaving my job. I was plagued with feelings of guilt and self-doubt, but somewhere I knew I was making the right decision.
I don't know what this means for my discharge. Things were going so well and I took on too much, sending myself backward. It's been a rough couple of months, sure, but hopefully, I can work toward discharge again in the near future.
It was a bit of a struggle but I managed to muddle through to the end of my bookkeeping course and since then things have slowed down, not that my mind has gotten the memo.
I have increased therapy sessions and joined a CBT for depression class through the local mental health recovery program. I have been walking more, going to Qi Gong, the odd hot tub and just generally taking it a little easier than the past few months.
We are tackling some pretty heavy things in therapy right now and it's sending me a little bit loopy. I've just noticed that a couple of days running up to my therapy sessions my sleep starts dwindling. Post sessions I have been feeling completely run down and have frequent symptoms of a kidney infection. This is something my doctor thinks is interstitial cystitis, a sensitization syndrome which, funnily enough, is impacted by mental health, PTSD and stressors.
Dr. Boston agreed today that I am rapid cycling, a more frequent episodic state of bipolar, due to the PTSD and memories we are uncovering in therapy. I go from feeling down to bouncing right back up, hypomanic up, and then of course, down again.
There's no middle ground in a mixed or rapid cycling episode.
This is something I spoke with my psychology professor at length about just a few years ago. It's like my mind tries to fight the depression with a boost, but then you're flying too high and inevitably, comes the crash and again, depression, boost, crash. It's a vicious fight to see what mood will win, and even though you would think that that is the main makeup of bipolar, there is usually a baseline to return to in between episodes. It doesn't feel like that right now, or if there is, it is fleeting. Id' say I'm averaging about 1-2 days baseline a week and the rest is either hyper or exhausted.
Another thing that my psychiatrist pointed out is that I am becoming dissociated. My memory has been blanking over the past couple of weeks.
After seeing the psychiatrist today we've decided I need to stop therapy for the time being and increase my meds a little. I am not ready to relive past traumas and my body and mind are quite prominently telling me that. PTSD is the root of this all and until the new medication has a better effect, I cannot be dabbling with my moods and emotions.
It'll get better, little steps are good, its just not the right time yet.
On a brighter note, I GO HOME TO SCOTLAND IN 8 WEEKS TIME!! I am soooo excited.
I feel that the time I get to spend with family and friends will rekindle my fire and get me going again.
Anyhoozles, I hope you are doing well!
I am taking myself outside to the sunshine, I hope you like the pretty pictures of flowers I took on my walk recently.
Love ya xo